Domestic violence: What is behind it all?

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OPINION

By Dr Grace P'Karamura

Hardly a time passes by without reading and often times watching heart-rending ugly scenes and consequences of domestic violence. In most instances, it is usually reported of a spouse fatally shooting the other, driving over them, smashing the other’s head over the wall or in some cases cutting off their limbs.

The consequences of domestic violence or abuse have become catastrophic that they are now drawing in entire families, usually taking sides against either parent, something that was unheard of.

Before, such fights were usually between parents leaving the poor helpless children mere spectators in scenes they would rather not see, but which they had to nevertheless.

I should add though that then, domestic abuse was the preserve of the dominant alpha male who in most cases, battered or maimed the poor helpless wife, sometimes leaving her permanently crippled.

This is where I’ve never understood the male species; to batter your wife and sleep with her the next day!

Tables seem to have turned though, that now it is a give and receive it back regardless of whatever weapon there is and whoever lands on it first.

The causes of domestic violence are as many as they are varied: mutual mistrust, property control, poor communication, alcohol/drugs, sexual abuse, marital infidelity, relatives interference, food insecurity, emotional distress, dominance/ control over the other, financial secrecy, stalking and, recently, the phone and that coveted password!

Domestic violence is a pattern of consistent abusive behaviour in any relationship that may be used by either partner to gain or maintain power and control over the other. It is usually physical, sexual (force), emotional, physiological or any form of other threats and actions that emanate from coercive behaviour that is intended to intimidate or subjugate the other. The resultant consequences of such coercive actions for the intended victim are humiliation, lack of self esteem and worth, self blame/harm and, if not addressed, a permanent inferiority complex.

As I write this article, my mind goes back to my primary school days and the kind of plays we acted before our parents and teachers on speech days.

We usually acted scenes of a drunkard father coming home in the wee hours of the morning and everybody scampering into hiding at the sight of him. It was an acceptable norm in our plays that reflected how society accepted such behaviour of the father, especially.

Historical baggage

It is from such historical baggage that we, especially men, have inherited a dominant trend which, fortunately, no longer works or is not accepted in this day and age.

Whereas there are some women who will stand abuse and humiliation, many have now stood up against such abuse. Today, few women will accept to be treated or added to concubines or side dishes as they are called these days.

When they challenge such actions, war begins. Not many women now will tolerate a man who comes home at 1:00am stinking of alcohol and foreign perfumes and yet expecting and demanding more conjugal rights.

In all this, and due to the summary of the domestic violence causes already given, men especially, don’t seem to realise that power has shifted.

A woman who is able to buy her husband a Range Rover will definitely expect him to be home by 8:00pm. Buy me one and I promise I will be home by lunch time.

A woman may withstand any form of abuse, but not infidelity. Unlike the alpha male, women tend to marry for love, and I agree that this is debatable, especially these days. But for this article’s sake, just agree with me — or don’t. But such a woman’s love is conditional and hangs on a delicate thread that should it ever break, especially because of marital betrayal or infidelity, a woman will never restore it or forgive you. She will cook, smile and even give you those you term as your rights, but if you looked at her inner face and heart, she’d be bleeding.

Women are like elephants. They don’t forget nor do they forgive; and when they are stretched beyond the relationship cliff, they will snap with whatever is nearest to them. That can range from omuhini (huge stick which normally breaks on your head, oouch!) in case of Bakiga to a pistol in case of the elite these days. In my language, it is called naruha, wandusya, nkoye banangye!

Imagine a woman with whom you toiled and when you finally made it you want to trample over her or give away that property for which both of you toiled. Very few women would accept to walk away without a fight. This is partly because they have been empowered to believe and stand up for themselves for the last 40 years or so.

I may be wrong here, but I want to believe that domestic violence has largely been exacerbated by us men due to our failure to read, interpret and adjust to the times.

I pray that these ladies whose names I have mentioned here will forgive me should they find it inappropriate.

Royal treatment

But if I were married to any of our prominent leading women in our country, there isn’t any reason why I wouldn’t treat her as a queen — simply because of their worth, intellect and ability.

Precisely my point here. Your wife is your queen. Why compare her, degrade her, humiliate her with a lower cadre!

This article may seem rather unbalanced against men. This isn’t the case really as I am aware that there are some women who can equally be as such.

Let me end this article with a rather radical shift from the norm. I know marriage should be for good or worse, in sickness and in health. But in situations where marriage escalates to the point of pointing pistols at each other or cutting off other’s limbs, wouldn’t it help, if one of either put the kibosh on as you both seek counsel from a counsellor or church leaders? A sort of head cooling off period, I mean.

Either way, we all need to appreciate the fact that marriage and family norms are changing and it must take both parties to work at it.

To return home at 2:00am in the morning expecting and demanding food is of the 20th century. Yet again if you don’t ask for it, she’ll ask you as to where else you ate.

That is marriage for you. Enjoy it, life is short friends.

The writer is a Ugandan living in the United Kingdom