'My wife spends more time on chores, no relationship stuff'

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LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Dear Counsellor,

My wife is the ideal wife in the traditional sense of things. She has a full-time job, but she insists that we should not have a maid, so we have to do everything. 

As such, our life is just about chores; waking up very early, organising the home, going to work, and then returning home to more work. She is always working and there is no time for any form of relationship stuff. 

I am totally exhausted and unfulfilled. What should I do?

Husband

Dear Husband,

You are lucky to have a hardworking wife but at the same time indeed one should have a work-life balance. As a couple you need to have quality time together so that you are able to share both physical and emotional intimacy.

Have you shared your concerns with her? If you have done so and she has not taken your point home, is it possible for you to involve a trusted friend who can talk with her?

Given her traditional background as you state, your wife might not know that what she is doing is straining your relationship. Do you come from a modern family where you had maids as you were growing up? 

If this is in the affirmative, your background influence has shaped your views about life. You need to candidly discuss your concerns with your wife so that she is able to understand your point of view. 

Communicating your feelings to her might change her attitude so that she is able to embrace the idea of hiring a maid to help you at home. In the alternative, it is possible to jointly do some home chores with the resultant effect of stronger bonding. It all depends on how the two of you interpret domestic work. 

Given that you both have work outside of the home, it is not practicable for anyone to imagine that the fatigue you bring from your workplace will not get the better of you. 

So you do need some rest, some time for just being together and relaxing as a family.

Has your wife explained to you why she does not need a maid in the house? What if you got a male house help?

Failure to communicate your feelings will strain your relationship and you might not like the consequences later.

Clemence Byomuhangi,
Mental Health and Psychosocial Counselling Psychologist