We, the uncounted

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WHAT’S UP!

By the time I submitted this column on Wednesday morning, we had not seen anything of the ongoing national census. It was strange because during my walk around the hood, I had seen those distinct markings which show a household was counted on gates in Kiwatule. I have seen folks from near our village post how the enumerators had asked them funny questions. But we guys had not seen any of them. Really strange.

All the hullabaloo from the Government on how it is one’s civic duty to be counted, and all the messages that we should stay at home last Friday, all came to nothing, for we have not been counted.

So, how does it feel like to be counted? I don’t know, for I’ve never been counted. The last time the census was held, I was in office. And came home to those markings on my door, to be told by the neighbours that the census people were around, but found I was not there.

For the life of me, I don’t remember ever being counted as part of a census, maybe that explains why things have been harder than usual for me. You never know, might be some kind of census hex; either you take part in a census or your life won’t be the same, ever again.

Anyway, what is the big deal? I asked Meta AI, the friendly helper on WhatsApp, and she (I like to think it’s a female) came up with all kinds of reasons, here are what I believe are the most important:

National planning and development for the Government to allocate resources properly

Census data determines how funds are distributed for healthcare, education and other essential services.

To determine the number of MPs

To help understand market trends and consumer behaviour

To know student numbers, teacher requirements and infrastructure needs

To help planners design and build roads, bridges and other critical infrastructure

So, let us count how many of these actually work in this matooke republic, and how they might be put to effective use.

I understand how most governments would need census data to plan how to allocate resources, but does that really matter in Uganda? In January, we had several major international conferences and conventions, and there was an outcry about the state of our roads, and how we are going to look bad. To help things out, the President came out and directed that KCCA be given sh6b to fix the roads. Several important people in government even came out and inspected the huge potholes that one minister insisted were actually tourist attractions.

Did KCCA ever get the sh6b? Was it enough? Because God knows the potholes are still there, bigger and better than ever, according to that minister. But maybe there was a misallocation of resources.

Earlier this year, we learnt how some people in Parliament were given more than sh10b in one week to take care of corporate social responsibility (CSR) activities in the office of the Speaker of Parliament. What should have been done is to declare fixing potholes as part of the Speaker’s CSR activities and money would have been quickly withdrawn. You don’t need a census to do that, duh!

About the distribution of funds for essential services, what exactly does that mean? Does it include all the lead cars with loud sirens that push other road users off the road as big people retire home? Does essential services mean those big people? If they want to know how many they are, just stand along one of those Ntinda roads in the evening, and count. The census would have missed them, because they would have been at home.

And funds for health services? Uganda does not need any help with that. Remember when medical interns went months without pay because there was no money to pay them? At the same time, Parliament spent hundreds of millions of shillings in buying very expensive cars for past Speakers of the house. Again, just make that part of the Speaker’s CSR; problem solved.

When I mentioned to some friends that Meta AI listed the determination of the number of Ugandan MPs as one of the benefits of a census, they laughed. Really ungrateful fellows, aren’t they? With a projected population of 45 million, Uganda has one of the highest MPs per capita in the world. The census data will no doubt show that there are too many MPs, will the number be cut, then? Don’t hold your breath, mate.

About the infrastructure, even a UPE graduate in remote Kaabong knows that Jinja Road is the business artery of Uganda. And that if we want this country to develop, it should be easy for this artery to flow with goods, so why is it one of the worst roads in the country? Will the census data grab some government technocrat by the collar and force them to do something about the state of Jinja Road? Nah, I don’t think so. They would rather build apartment blocks, and to the devil with census data.

As I finished this column, some colleagues wanted to know what I was writing about, so I showed them. They looked at me kind of funny, and one said it was obvious why I hadn’t been counted. Ungrateful fellow, right?

Anyway, we remain yours, the Uncounted.