'My sister-in-law is invading my privacy'

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LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

1 am 38 years old and a single mother. Ever since I graduated from university, I have been trying to get a good man to settle down with, but haven't succeeded yet. I am worried because time is slipping away. 

Recently, a 47-year-old man approached me and proposed. I don't really have feelings for him and I don't think he is handsome. But he is financially well off and wants to marry me and take care of me. 

My friends say he is the best shot in the circumstances and that I will grow to love him as he looks after me. Should I accept him?

Majorine

Look beyond physical features, money

Dear Majorine,

Friends and relatives can give advice when one is selecting a partner, but love and feelings for a partner are personal and very crucial. 

In your case, since you do not have feelings for the gentleman, it is better for you to take your time and keep searching until you get the one you love and the one that loves you. Moreover, it is not on many occasions that a person falls in love at first sight.

You do not indicate how long you have known this man. 

Could it be possible that both of you are in the same boat and feel you are running out of time? 

It is always advisable that you spend some time dating a prospective partner while observing his behaviour, lifestyle, and response to certain situations as compared to your expectations before you can make up your mind as to whether this is a person you can possibly spend the rest of your life with. 

While marriage is desirable, it is better to wait and get somebody with whom you have a degree of understanding than to simply rush because of the biological clock or money, only to regret and end up in a broken relationship.

Your significant others can be a very good source of information and advice. However, you make the final decision and must accept the outcome of the decisions you make. 
If the man is not as handsome as you want, you must decide whether it is only the looks that are most important to you. 

You are encouraged to look beyond physical features and focus on love, commitment, trustworthiness, character, and temperament. Those are the attributes that are likely to make a relationship last long.

Given that you are a single mother, you need a husband who is willing to accept you as you are with your child, and this requires a serious conversation with this man. Secondly, you have not indicated whether you have a job. 

Do you expect to live off your prospective husband’s income? Are you more interested in money than everything in marriage?  

What if he runs out of finances after you have married him? Will you run away or divorce him? Marriage is a lifelong commitment that must be taken seriously from the beginning.

Although money is important in a marriage relationship, there are other important factors to consider when selecting someone you will settle with for the rest of your life. 

As we are all aware, no person is perfect, but here are other key qualities that one must consider when selecting a partner: love, commitment emotional maturity, compatibility, understanding, openness, tolerance, honesty, respect, and empathy. 

At this stage, it is not prudent to simply brush off this man who is showing interest in you, unless you are absolutely sure that he cannot have a place in your heart. However, it is important that you take time to understand this man, appreciate your uniqueness, and identify possible areas of commonality and interest. 

That would help you to make an informed decision.

Clemence Byomuhangi, mental health, and psychosocial counselling psychologist